Turns out some of the most popular things I have ever said involve threats of violence. Not just violence, but extreme and, perhaps, over-the-top violence that isn't actually merited given the crime that I hold against the individual.
But this, this is different, and I will literally eat the face of the woman involved if I am not given what I was guaranteed.
See, here's the thing. I'm getting married, see? And my lovely fiance and I found the perfect location. It had everything we wanted, a beautiful garden, possibility of inside or outside, the whole house (which is a historical site) would be rented out for us, plus it's the location for the reception. The place is a block away from my fiances' father's hotel, so easy access for out of town guests. Really, the whole place looks magical.
And I want it. I want it bad. And Last week I told the event planner and 'acting' GM that we wanted it. Today, what do we get? An email saying that this day a couple has placed a tentative hold on it for that date.
Um, what?
No, no I will eat your face. I will devour your young like Cronus and use their bones for candle holders. I will destroy you. I will also write a scathing review on Yelp, and as it is on the internet, everyone will read it and instantly believe it.
I'm not bitter or anything. Disappointed? Absolutely. Pissed off that someone else's failure to communicate has led us to having to pick a different day, and that said individual has not expressed any responsibility for it? Sure. I mean, I could probably take or leave the fact that we might have to find a new venue. We've still got time. What annoys me is the lack of maturity in taking responsibility for her actions. And because of said failure, I will eat her face. (Note for all law enforcement officials: I am not a cannibal, nor do I wish to eat her or anyone else's face. I am also not a violent person by nature expect when someone is going for the same last bottle of Koala juice that I was clearly eyeing up first.)
Why people cannot take responsibility for their mistakes is beyond me? I don't want to be 'that person', but the minute I see someone refusing to acknowledge their own inadequacies, or failing to make amends for their mistake, I feel instantly as if I have to give them a hard time. Ergo, why I will be getting a discount from our venue (if we even decide to go with said venue, as they can only guarantee us a September date now.) Because, if you're not going to woman up about this, admit that you dropped the ball and yeah, it caused some issues, why should I just roll over and accept the consequences? They weren't my doing, thank you very much.
No, no it will be 16 different flavours of homestyle vengeance, Kathleen style. Because dammit, I want a summer garden in my photos. I want to be chasing after the junior bridesmaids like a dinosaur wearing a wedding gown in a green garden, with bright flowers all around me. No brown grass, no dead garden. It will not suffice!
I'm not going to lie. I don't want to be an angry bride (I think 'Bridezilla' is demeaning, especially given no one has been able to provide me with a male equivalent as of yet.) And I'm not really that girly. Yet part of me was excited to see the location. It was fairy-taleesque. A beautiful old house that was ours for the day, elegant reception area, garden. Okay, yeah, I want to be a princess for a day, so shoot me. It's not like I wan a fluffy bridal gown.
And I don't care if there is this sort of champagne or that, or if the cake is .03 millimetres to tall, and that the groomsmen's green hankies don't match the green dresses of the bridesmaids. Hell, we're all going to be smashed by the end of it, isn't that right? So here I am, pretending to be the most unobtrusive bride-to-be of all time. All I want is a little humility and a big fat apology.
And maybe some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
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